With friends like these

I told a friend of mind that I was only waiting for him to fuck up so I could steal his gorgeous wife and this was his response:

Yes that's likely:  "hello? Is that match.com? Well I'm finally rid of my ex. who was a short, fat, unfashionably northern waste of space whose major defining characteristics were having a train-wreck career, depressing taste in music and a drinking problem... So could you send over another one please? But with a smaller dick." 
No woman, ever.

Life in a Northern Town‏

So, I'm walking at a fair lick along The Headrow and I accidentally bump shoulders with a woman.

 I turn around to apologise (I am British, but it was her fault).

Her boyfriend who is 6 foot plus and dressed like he wants to be Dizzee Rascal so bad it hurts, spins around, looms down at me and gets right in my face so our noses are nearly touching. Mentally I'm seeing my bruised face on Look North tonight and he says to me, 'oh sorry, are you alright?'

Then he wheels round to his girlfriend and says, 'for fucks sake Leanne watch where you're going'

On my way back to the flat cutting through Kirkgate Market a 12 year old boy in a hoodie attempts to bum a cigarette off me. Life in Leeds eh.