And now back to the diary

It occurs to me that of late this has become less of a diary and more a collection of rubbish jokes so back to the original Antabuse Diary idea.

This weekend my mother will be coming to stay with me. This is because my father is having a weekend away to go to the rugby. She's going to use her time with me to do some Christmas shopping.

She's staying in the spare room and wants to spend some time with me getting to grips with ancestory.com

We'll probably do our Christmas shopping together, not that I have much to do. Perhaps we'll go to the cinema as well or to the theatre if there's anything on (there isn't I checked).

We won't be going down the pub.

We won't be going to the off licence for a bottle of vodka.

We won't be returning to the off licence about two hours later. Looking a little confused and just pointing at the bottle of vodka again.

We won't be nearly getting knocked down on the way home.

We won't be dancing around in our underwear to the Buzzcocks whilst the bloke next door brays on the wall shouting, "turn it down you drunken bastard". *

We won't then be waking up the next day and wondering why we are covered in bruises, the radiator is hanging off the wall and there appears to be a half-cooked pizza all over the kitchen.

We won't then shudder at the thought that we went upstairs to the flat of the attractive, young rather shy Asian woman, who lives on her own, and asked if she wanted to come downstairs for a drink, dressed only in a dressing gown and clutching a half empty bottle of vodka.

We won't then start praying that actually we just dreamt this. Oh please god don't let me have done that.

We won't then make a decision that before dealing with the radiator and pizza apocalypse. Before washing, shaving or cleaning our teeth. Before all that -- we'll go out and get some more drink.

We won't stumble back across the car park clutching our bottle and being sick from withdrawal.

We won't get in kick off our shoes and start the whole horrible spiral again.

We're going to the Debenhams sale and perhaps the art gallery for lunch. For dinner I'll prepare penne with scallops and a cheese sauce.

We'll watch some telly and I'll apologise for not having any Colin Firth DVDs, again.

We'll get our Christmas shopping done.

See, it's not all jokes. I've joined a band by the way, they're called the 1039 Megabytes. We haven't got a gig yet.


*  Incidentally my mother bought me the aforementioned Buzzcocks CD as a Christmas present, she had asked what I wanted. I told her to check with the staff in the shop that it was the one with Orgasm Addict on it. She's 66 and I have a capricious sense of humour.

Help with packing to go away

With Christmas nearly on us, apparently, to me it's not even the middle of November yet but hey, some people's thoughts will have turned to going away. Perhaps a break with a loved one or family for Christmas or Twixmas. Perhaps to stay with friends or family and share the occasion together. I thought that at this tricky time of year, I Dixon Steele, could help.

Obviously packing is one the more stressful features, before you all pile into a small car and drive 200 miles through constant blizzards to see someone you hate.

Therefore I've created a To Pack helpsheet, it's available below.

By the power of Graceful Green

I had a very pleasant Sunday lunch with an old friend and his family yesterday. During lunch the topic of paint came up (these long winter evenings fly by) and the shade Graceful Green was mentioned and misheard as Greyskull Green. This led me to thinking about the new Dulux Master of the Univerese Collection which as well as Greyskull Green features

• She-Rasperry
• Ram-Magnolia
• Skeletaupe
• Orko-Orange

Please feel free to add to this brief list using the comments below.

And I looked and behold: a pale horse

Yesterday I popped to my local Sainsbury's for a few bits and pieces. [adopts Peter Kay voice] It weren't a Big Shop, you know just Bits and Pieces, Bits and Pieces [returns to normal voice]. With the expansion of supermarkets these days bits and pieces can mean anything. Sainsbury's now as well as the usual range milk, bread, veg and tins also stocks blu-ray players, Nintendo games, enough kitchen equipment to get Nigella wet, bedding, furniture a range of light weapons and industrial plant machinery.

"Yeah, you know what it's like. I just popped in for some milk and bread. I came away with a case of AK-47s, a JCB digger and a surface to air missile."

Well with it being Halloween here in the UK (and other places I imagine) the staff had been encouraged to dress up a bit. Saucy witches, pumpkin people and the like. Very entertaining. However, the chap who's job it is to help people using the self-service checkouts, was a skinny bloke of well over six foot tall and for his character du jour had decided to dress as Death. Fully clad in black robes and with a disturbing mask that concealed his face he gave me a start.

Now it occurred to me that those usually most in need of help at the self-service check out are the elderly. Well if he made me do a double-take what must he have done for the poor old folks trying to get the hang of scanning their own bananas when he suddenly appears behind them?

- DO YOU NEED A HAND PACKING YOUR BAGS TODAY?

- HAVE YOU GOT A NECK-TA CARD?

I fully expect to see the headlines in the local paper to be, mass cardiac arrest in self service section of local Sainsbury's.